What’s the big idea?

October 24, 2007

I am so frustrated with myself.

I just arrived in California a couple of days ago. I have been visiting my sister in Arizona. I planned on getting a job right when I got here. I even corresponded with a couple people so that I could possibly have a job right away. I had an interview with See’s Candies yesterday and I thought it went well.

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But (classic Beth!), I froze up. There is something about having a job that always irks me. It’s not the “getting” of the job, it’s the “having” the job that freaks me out. I went into the interview, and as it progressed, I became more and more uneasy. I secretly wished that I wouldn’t get the position.

It has always been like this for me. A couple summers ago, I wanted to work at Bath & Body Works. I filled out the application, went in for the interview, and even followed up closely with the verdict. But, when I found out that I got the job, I freaked out. I worked there for a month and complained every minute of it. I can look back on it now with nostalgia, but that nostalgia doesn’t motivate me to find another job anytime soon.

I definitely need the job. The money would be good for multiple reasons, all of which I will not divulge.

I got a call from See’s this morning saying that they wanted me to work there. As soon as she said those words, I literally felt sick to my stomach. I mean literally. What is the matter with me???? UGH! I am so frustrated. Why can’t I be like every other red-blooded american and just be happy to be working?!

I compare myself with my older sister, Adri. Ever since we were in high school, we would interview together, we would both get the job, and then I would turn it down. Even now, Adri has been working as a dental assistant for the same office and she makes great money. I am so proud of her and I wish I had her commitment.

I think I would thrive better if I was self-employed. That does not seem like it will happen anytime soon. I know I need to work my way up. It is daunting.

Please don’t judge me. I am really insecure about this. I feel like a bum. And, I feel like I am letting certain people (like my parents) down. I feel like I am letting myself down.

I think I will feel more comfortable if I work for someone I know. I am just scared to have to prove myself to someone. It’s like being constantly judged by someone. I hate that.

I have a job lined up for the month of December that I know I will do because it is with someone I know. I am going to work at a Christmas tree lot. I am actually excited to work there because I am really good friends with the people who own it. Plus, what better way to get into the Christmas spirit than to work at a Christmas tree lot?

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3 Responses to “What’s the big idea?”

  1. Rachel Says:

    Its okay Beth! No one ever likes working, but don’t get discouraged! You’ll find something you enjoy eventually. It sounds like that Christmas tree job will be fun!

    Be happy, I love you!

  2. kos Says:

    Oh Beth, I totally understand. I have had like ten different jobs in my life and you know why? Because some of them I only worked for less then three days. Oh, I totally understand. Shirsti does too. She doesn’t accept jobs for the same reason. I think it has to do with shyness, maybe some insecurity. A lot is because we’re just normal. It’s scary to start a new job. I always get nervous…and frankly, I stay nervous for a good long while. I think the biggest reason we’re like this is because we’re conscientious people. We want to do a good job. We want to sell the most products. But, for whatever reason, it’s scary to be the new person asking questions all the time and making mistakes. It’s uncomfortable. I made the hugest, stupidest mistakes at my job this summer and it was humiliating. Ugh. Doesn’t it make you wish you were a trust fund baby? (You thought I’d end on a different note, huh? Like, “We’ll grow into successful careers where we’re confident leaders.” One day, one day.

  3. Adriana Says:

    You are amazing Beth!!! Getting a job is so scary but you can do it…and you will and it will feel so good. Beth, I have always wanted to be as good at school as you are but that is something I struggle with. If I can become half the woman you are, I will be lucky!!!!

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